Searching for Love, Identity, and Healing | Melissa Villa (part 1)

I really just grew in gratitude. I saw beauty more than the ashes. I think my focus shifted and I just started to be so incredibly grateful for the life that I had and the life that he was giving me and hopeful for whatever the future held. Just this hopefulness of something more beautiful to come is what was the driving force. Hi everyone and welcome to the Monomyth Diaries, a podcast where ordinary people get to share their hero's journey. I'm Mandy and I'm Rachel and we'll be your host. We'll discover powerful insights, critical moments of growth, and much more. Thanks for joining us. We all have a Monomyth to share and someone out there needs to hear it. Melissa, welcome back to the Monomyth Diaries. We're glad you're back with us. Oh, thank you for having me again. It's so exciting to be here. It is exciting to have you back and get to hear the rest of your story. In the last episode, you had just decided to rededicate yourself to the Lord. Mhm. You had been repenting about an affair that you had just had and your husband has decided to forgive you and ask you to have another baby. Yes. Our fresh start, our new beginning. So everything kind of came to a head and was exposed in October and then in November. So we had already been going to counseling. Were you doing Christian counseling by the way? Yes, absolutely. So that's what I was about to explain. So the the type of counseling that I did, it was called theophostic prayer counseling. It's really learning how to hear the voice of God and to deal with the trauma and the hurts from our childhood that maybe we've suppressed that we don't even remember. And what it talks about is like our first formation of like when we were children and what we've experienced dictates how we respond as adults and why we process the way we process and why we respond the way we respond. My pastors at the time had just started to hear about this type of counseling and so they recommended it. Um I didn't know anyone that had done it before so it was very new to me. I walk into the setting and it's two ladies. One is an intercessor that's completely praying the whole entire time. The other one the prayer counselor, she just asks questions. She does not offer any kind of advice or counsel. She will be praying and asking the Holy Spirit to prompt her on what questions to ask. And then either I would have the answer or I would have to go home and kind of just pray and ask the Lord to reveal the truth to me. For instance, she would ask if there was any witchcraft in our family. And I had no idea because I didn't know if my grandmothers or anyone had dealt with witchcraft. So I would go home and I would call my parents and ask them. And so my dad shared my one grandma went to poem readers and did tarot cards and stuff. And so what I was learning is witchcraft is rebellion. And so I was very rebellious like throughout my life. And so I was trying to figure out how do I break free from the chains that have kept me bound. I knew that leaving nothing in the dark would free me. I revealed everything cuz I was just trying to be set free and I didn't know how to. So I read every book on deliverance. I read every book on sexual purity. I read every book on how to be a godly wife. I went to prayer conventions kind of thing, like weekend, yeah, weekend seminars and and I did all the work, but I just couldn't break free. I still felt chained and bound. And so during this theophostic prayer counseling, um that's when we went back to the first time I was exposed to anything sexually perverse. And then we would ask the Lord, "Where were you in that?" And so, and what lies did I believe and just anything that was going to heal me? And so, one of the ways that they would teach me how to discern the voice of God would be either a word, one word that would just come to mind or a whole phrase. It could be something I smell, something I feel. Sort of like with your husband when he heard fight. Yes. Okay. Yes. Do I have any like visions of things? Like there was times where I would get a vision of like a grass field and a little girl like just swinging on a swing and you could just see the meadow blowing and I knew that that that was my desire. My desire was just to be a child like that innocence. Thank you. The innocence of just being a child and I felt like that. I was robbed from that during that time. I just really asked the Lord to like show me where you were during all of it. And I had vivid pictures of like the first time I can really remember a sexual encounter with another child in her bedroom and I saw where Jesus was and he was weeping cuz he knew that was happening. you know, I felt like I was never alone, although I still wrestled like why would you allow me to endure that? Like you could have protected me. So, I went through that counseling for about 2 years. There were so many times where we would go in, it would be an hour long and I would get nothing. I couldn't even fake up anything. It would just be nothing. And I just go home and then the Lord would just speak to me somehow somewhere and then I'd go back and I would share. And so the Lord showed me um once I started having children, my greatest desire was to protect their innocence and their purity. There was nothing more that I wanted than my children to be children. Yeah. And so I knew that the reason why I desired that was because I didn't have it and it was stripped from me. And I had really gotten to a point where I just accepted like if that's what it took for me to be the mom that I am to be able to protect my babies, I would have done it all over again. For you to understand the importance of it. Yes. I was so aware of the sexual perversion. I was so aware of just how evil the world was. And so I protected and I guarded my children and I I wanted them to have a choice. I wanted them that when they decided to be sexually active, they made that decision. I felt like something else was controlling me my whole life. And it was never my heart's desire. My heart's desire was to honor God. Since a little girl, that's all I wanted. But there was something else that was driving my life. And so I wanted my children to not have that attached to them. So if I had to break any generational curse, whatever prayers I needed to pray, whatever, I was going to do it because I wanted them to have freedom in that. So during that time, I still honestly I I still felt chained. I did everything everyone told me to do and I still felt chained for about seven years. We put we put safeties on our computers and our TVs. Access to pornography was like I was just fighting fighting every sexual temptation that that was not going to honor God. I was trying I tried to not gratify my flesh in any sexual way. Every single day I would repeat, "I rebuke you, Satan, in the name of Jesus." every day, all day long. I really feel like I besides the what was done to me, the sexual abuse that was done to me, I still kind of felt like I was made more like a man. You have a compulsion. Yeah. So men, I think I've been told that men think about sex like a thousand times a day. And because it affected me and it affected my body, I was verbally like trying to fight like with everything that I had. And but it was hard. Like it it never got easier. The desires never went away. I didn't know how to make my body pure. Like, I really didn't. So, for about seven years, I white knuckled it and fought and then I got exhausted and in a weak moment watched a movie. My husband and I watched a movie that was too sexual and it just opened the door. Uh there's a part in the Bible that says when you cast out demons and you sweep it clean and then the door opens again, it's like thousands of more come back in. That's how it felt. Then it was obsessive. So I opened that door and then the perversion came even harder, stronger. And this was about 14 years into our marriage. I was working out. I was getting really fit and feeling great about myself. And still my husband was the way he's always been. He's not emotional. He's not he was not a verbal affirming person. Although I believed that he loved me, I still believed he didn't desire me in that way, the sexual way. So that was still there. I was fighting it, but it was still there. And I remember I would go early morning bike rides and I would just cry out to the Lord like, "Please God, heal me or heal him." Cuz I still kind of blamed my husband like why I was still struggling sexually because he was the way he was. Like I didn't see how intentional God was when he gave me my husband. I was still like, "No, he isn't fulfilling this need that I have. It's his fault." And so I would cry out to the Lord. I'd be praying. I was like, "Please God, deliver him, heal him, change his heart. Like, do all the things." And for months, I would just be sobbing as I'm on a bike ride. And I was like, "Lord, just show me his heart. Show me who he is. Show me why he's the way he is and why I'm the way I am." I just like I didn't want divorce to be our story. But I was just like I didn't I knew I couldn't keep living like I was living. And again, I still kind of blamed him. And you you all are in your early 30s at this point. Yeah. Okay. Three children. Yes. Okay. Yep. And so I was working out. I was getting really fit and I got part of a group uh where we would share like our progress and send pictures. Well, it was male and female. So it was a mix. And um one of the males would just be more intentional at giving me compliments through text, our group text. And I didn't think anything of it cuz we're in a group. Well, then he started privately messaging me. And so we started exchanging text and conversations. And then I realized now he's like asking for pictures and I'm sharing pictures. And this probably went on for a couple weeks before I realized what was happening. And I was being sucked back into that. Yes. And I didn't even realize it. So I'd gone over to my sister's house and we were sitting and talking and she shared some things that she was struggling with but also some other of our mutual friends were struggling with at our church. And when she shared it, I I can just honestly say it was like a light bulb went off and I realized that's what I'm doing. Oh my gosh. Like I am falling back into temptation. I am being adulterous. Like this is not right. And I remember my my sister was like cuz I gasp. I was like and it wasn't even like a shocking thing but it was more of like oh my gosh I'm doing that again. And I went right home and I told my husband. I exposed it again to our pastors, went through counseling again, but again, I still felt like I was white knuckling it. Yeah. I've heard that same phrase with addicts when they try to stop drinking or try to stop doing drugs without some sort of support system. Just trying to stop the substance doesn't fix the problem, so they're white knuckling it. Yeah. That's interesting. Okay. Right. When the affair came out in our seventh year of marriage, one of the things that we had made a vow to each other is that we would never drink again. Oh, okay. So, my husband did not have an addictive bone in his body, but I did. But I also used it intentionally to do what my heart desired, which was evil. You know, I just it gave me the courage. So, one of the things as we were reconciling our marriage, um, we made that vow to each other. So, from 25, I've not had a sip of alcohol. Good for you. But the enemy was still working like, uh, you don't need to have that liquid courage. I'll still entice you somehow. So, I was like white knuckling it through our marriage because again, I still couldn't see the bigger picture. I couldn't see why I couldn't break free. So, 20 years into our marriage, I was done. This is exhausting. I am trying so hard to honor God and to live a righteous life. I'm trying so hard to have purity and I'm failing every day. I just felt like a failure. And I blamed a lot of it on my husband. I was like,

if he were only like this, if he was only like that, then I wouldn't be struggling so much. Because I felt like I had gotten healing from my childhood. I thought I had broken all the generational curses. And but I just couldn't figure out why this was such a stronghold over my life. And so on our 20th wedding anniversary, I drew a line in the sand with the Lord. And I said, I don't have another 20 years to give. Please change him or change me. And that year, we went to Hawaii with some friends, a trip that we could have never afforded. We lived paycheck to paycheck. But we enjoyed life as much as we could. But this trip was extravagant trip that was blessed, like given to us. So we went on this trip with our our best friends. And I went out on the balcony and I was looking at this Hawaiian ocean and the beautiful surroundings and it was like I knew the Lord was like just stay the course. Beauty is coming and I could see so much beauty and I desired that beauty for my marriage and for my life. And he's like just stay the course. So I did. Those next seven years of our marriage, I can't say that I was healed fully, but I heard my husband differently and I saw him differently and I just operated in life differently. God just revealed the beauty that I was in regardless of the strongholds and the struggles. There was more beauty than the struggles. And really, I think a lot of it was I had really high expectations of myself that God had never put on me. And I had a hard time forgiving myself those next seven years. I would just go on walks and I would just thank the Lord so much for the life that he gave me and that he gave me the courage and the strength to stay the course that I didn't give up because I would have never been able to experience what I experienced in those seven years if I would have given up at 20. Can we back up just a little bit? So at 25, y'all are working through therapy. You stay together. You have a third baby. There's a lot that happens in So between that and today. Yes. So tell us in the time that those seven years are happening that things are great. Are there tools? Are there strategies? Are there things that you're doing that make it different? Okay, let me back up even a little bit further. Yeah, that's because cuz I think you have some other struggles in there. There's a lot of struggles in between. So I was 25 when I rededicated my life to the Lord. I had we we were not partying on the weekends. We were wholeheartedly trying to honor God the best that we can with our lives serving in ministry. We served in children's ministry. We raised our children in church. We really were trying to break away from looking like the world. Sure. We wanted to be in the world, not of the world, right? And so we were really intentional about how we were doing that. Well, we had bought that first house. We lived there for about 2 years. A lot of the struggles in me was in my identity and my identity was wrapped up in things. It's the size of the house, the nice car, material things. I felt like I would be respected and accepted if I lived in this neighborhood, if I drove this car. So, a lot of my struggle throughout my whole life was to fit in. Like I had said, I went to a lot of different schools because we moved districts and I really struggled to fit in and just belong to some group. And so that was a lot of my identity. In the my teenage years, my dad owned a car business. He robbed Peter to pay Paul. He did some white collar crimes and he lost everything. Everything went to foreclosure, bankruptcy. He lost the business. They lost their cars. At that point, I had just gotten married. So, I wasn't in the thick of it like my sister and brother were, but everything that my dad stood for was ripped away and he went to prison. He was in his 40s. And so, he was very materialistic and I was very materialistic. And going into my marriage, it was that pressure on my husband to provide a life that was not what our income afforded us. You went in with an expectation that Yes. you would have what you had as a child. Yeah. Even down to makeup. Like no, I I wore MAC. Like what do you mean I have to wear CoverGirl? I'm like you knew what you were buying. Like when you married me this is my expectation. So I was disappointed. So there was a lot of that. So when we bought our house, I was so grateful to own a home but it was a small home and then we had three kids and I was like this is too small. We need a bigger home. Well at that time the market had doubled. So, our house doubled in in price. So, we decided, let's sell and buy a bigger home. Well, instead of just going a little bit bigger, I was like, "No, no, no. I want that 3200 ft² house that's triple the amount that we can afford, but let's figure out a way that we can afford it." We were not honest in our applying for this house. So, we bought more than what we could afford. Well, we were praying. We were asking God, "Oh, if it's not your will, Lord, close the door yet." Even though we weren't being completely honest, the door wasn't closing. So, we walked into that house. So, we were there for about 2 years. Well, at some point, we couldn't afford our mortgage anymore. We had completely drained our savings. And we were going into foreclosure. So, I'm in the fetal position in the bedroom just crying. I'm asking the Lord to rescue us out of this pit that we put ourselves in. I was a spender. I was the one that wanted the big house. My husband was so simple. He would have been so happy to live in a two-bedroom apartment on milk crates. He just really didn't care about that stuff, but he was trying to make me happy. Well, the Lord was not rescuing us out of this situation. And we were losing our house. And so, I was in the bedroom in the fetal position crying cuz I was like, "This is my identity. This is my house. What are people going to think?" And, you know, where are we going to live and all the things? My husband comes in. He kneels down next to me and he should have been so angry with me. He should have been so disappointed on how I was a poor manager of our money or even that I had to have things right away. He had every reason to be mad. But he didn't. He sat next to me and he said, "Though the sorrows may last through the night, joy comes in the morning." And he said, "A house is just four walls. You make it a home." So wherever we are, it will always be home. And I just I knew he was right. I knew God was going to take care of us. And he did. He provided a rental for us to move right into. And it was beautiful. And it was better than the house we were leaving. And from there, that house we rented for 2 years. The Lord was like, "I'm going to pull in in the rains a little tighter." We moved into a two-bedroom apartment, the five of us and two dogs. Because again, I knew the Lord was refining my character. He cares more about our character than our comfort. And he was allowing me to be really uncomfortable because I needed to know that my identity was not in the things that I owned or the house that I had or the car that I drove. It was in who I was in Christ. And I needed to have all that stripped away. So I knew that none of that brought me happiness. Being in that little two-bedroom apartment, which was the happiest my husband had ever been cuz he loved tiny little spaces. Your husband and I, I think we would get along. I remember the first night we moved in and um we're unpacking the boxes as I'm in the kitchen and I'm putting away the glasses and he pulls out two glasses and he's like, "Girls, let's toast to this new adventure." And I turn around and I'm just ballawing and he goes, "Mom's going to take a little bit more time to enjoy this adventure." I was like, "Oh my god, oh, I wish I could have met your husband." Oh man. How old are you at this point? I think I was 28. Okay. That was a lot of loss. You've had a lot of loss up until this point. Loss of your childhood and your purity. Loss of your firstborn. Firstborn. Yeah. And now loss of your homes. Mhm. In that journey, our daughters are growing up. And each one had such unique and different stories in raising them and parenting them, trying so hard to do things the right way. It helps me remember that about my parents or our parents that we were trying to do things the right way with the tools that we had, right? We were just broken people trying to figure out how to live this life. So with each one of my kids, there was such a different level of surrender and truly trusting God with each one of their lives. And so my faith grew like besides my husband, no one brought me to my knees more than my husband. Like I prayed so hard like for my marriage. But then my girls, like each one of my girls, the Lord really used them to teach me how to trust him. that he is faithful and he's good and he's trustworthy. When I sat on that balcony at our 20th wedding anniversary and I knew I had learned how to hear God's voice throughout my life and going through those two years of counseling, like I really learned how to discern the voice of the Holy Spirit. And so I knew I could trust him. I could trust him in this next season of my life. All I can say is that the Lord showed me my husband's heart. He showed me how he loved me. He loved me not in the way that I felt loved. You know, I was physical touch and acts of service, you know, do the dishes, vacuum. If I asked my husband, can you please just switch the clothes from the washer into the dryer? He'd roll his eyes at me like a 15-year-old boy. Like literally. But he was devoted. He was dedicated. He was steadfast. He loved unconditionally. Yeah. And he

I learned what love looked like from him because I thought of love in just such a perverted way. And I didn't know what it meant to love the way Christ loved. And so, um, God showed me my husband's heart and he showed me how he loved me. And I remember like I would still pray for him every day and just like, God, I would never trade in the things that he was cuz he was such a good man, but I still desire the things that he isn't. I want the compliments. I want the physical affection. But I would never trade the things that he was for the things that he wasn't. And so really that's what happened in those seven years. That healing that my God was just showing me my husband's heart and it just changed my heart. It changed how when he would say things like I didn't take it personal. I didn't take it as an attack. Like I I wasn't hearing him out of my brokenness. There was a healing that took place. And so I still did all the same things. Like every morning since I was 25, every morning I would get up and I would do a devotional. I mean, most of the time it would be literally just checking a box. Like, I don't know how to develop an intimate relationship with you, Lord, but I'm just going to do what people tell me to do. And they say, "Give them your first part of your morning." So, I get up early, do my devotion. And so, I just kept doing that. And then it got to a point to where I couldn't wait to go to sleep at night so I could wake up in the morning to spend with the Lord. But, it was like a a slow, gradual just doing the next right thing. And then it became heart transformation. The consistency grew into Yeah. Like I would say, Lord, I love you, but teach me how to love you. Like, I trust you, but teach me how to trust you. I want to honor you, but teach me how to honor you because I don't know how to do it. So, that's really everything that led up to those seven years. It was the healing and then the heart transformation in me and in seeing my husband for how God created him and who he really was. All right. So tell us what is life like after your 20th wedding anniversary when you're looking at all the beautiful scenery in Hawaii? What happens for those next seven years? I really just grew in gratitude for the Lord. I saw beauty more than the ashes. Like I think my focus shifted and I just started to be so incredibly grateful for the life that I had and the life that he was giving me and hopeful for whatever the future held. Just this hopefulness of something more beautiful to come is what was the driving force. At that point we had our three daughters. Four technically my fourth was the one I placed. So I've always counted her as my number. She did come back into our life when she was 16 and at that point my kids always knew about her. So when she reentered she wanted to be counted as one. So when I talk it's I have four daughters and so that's my story. So at that point, I had had four daughters and I desired to have more and we had had so much healing and restoration in our marriage and we were just on this really good groove and just fully enjoying life. I thought we have so much to give. And my husband was such a wonderful father. He just was very intentive. We were always on the same page. He was just a beautiful partner to have in raising children. And I loved watching him with our girls. So I thought, let's have more. Well, he said, "Absolutely not." He's like, "We are going to have grandchildren soon enough. We are not starting over." And I thought I think I was around 35 at that time. And I was like, "We had our kids so young. I was done at 25 having at that point four kids. Four by the time I was 25." I thought, "Okay, but that was such a blur. The 20s are such a blur. We're like more mature. Let's have more children." And he's like, "You're crazy." No. Well, the Lord had just really put on my heart to foster adopt. So, I asked my husband, "Would you be willing to do that?" And he said, "No, like we're we're getting into our good years. Like, we can travel and have fun and enjoy each other. I really don't want." And I was like, "But we have so much to offer someone that needs it." I said, "Would you at least just be willing to listen to see what it entails?" And he said, "Yes." So, we met with a lady and she explained to us Quania, which was a foster to adopt Christian agency. And she let us know all about it. And we walked out of there and I said, "So, what do you think?" And he said, "Nope. my heart still closed to it. He said, "God would have to literally drop a child on our doorstep for me to be willing to have another child." Fast forward 5 years later, we had found out that our family members, my cousin and her husband, had divorced and gotten pretty heavily into drugs and were homeless. They lived about a mile away from us. So, we knew that these children, two, a boy and a girl, were living in shelters with their father. and my cousin was nowhere to be found. My family and I, my girls, we just start praying for these kids and we just wanted to see them safe. Even if it wasn't with us, we just wanted to see them safe. And when we would drive around the city, we'd look for them because we knew they were homeless. So, we're like, if we could find them. And so, for about a year, we were just praying, praying, praying for this family. My husband and I at that point had decided he actually really wanted to move out of California. He kind of gave me a list of four states that he'd be willing to move to. But I was absolutely not for moving. I did not want to move away from my family. My parents, my my sister, his parents, his brother, we were all a mile away from each other. This all lived off of one main street. My kids were all there. My kids were adults. So, I knew that if I moved, my kids would not be going with me. And so, I didn't want to. But I started praying about it cuz I I just saw the desire in my husband and I want I didn't want to be so like you have to stay in California and die in California. He's been pretty good to you. Yeah. So I really did like okay God, you know, I'm open to whatever you want. I hated to travel. I hated to fly. Terrified me to fly. So we really didn't go very far. We drove places. But I had signed up randomly for Southwest Dingfairs. And I happened to get like a notification that from San Francisco to Dallas was $49. Oh. And it was 2 weeks from that day leaving exactly on my husband's birthday. And so we're not spontaneous people. We live paycheck to paycheck. Like we just don't travel big. But he had talked about Texas so much. And my sister lived here. And so my sister had always come to visit us. we had never gone to visit her. So I said, "Hey, would you want to do that? It's in two weeks. It's leaving on your birthday. I know it's spontaneous, but the the flights are really cheap." And he said, "Yes." And I was like, "Well, that's huge." And I was like, "You've talked about Texas. Let's actually see if we actually like it before we even pray about it." So we flew out. We spent 4 days. We drove from Dallas to Houston, Houston, San Antonio. I have cousins in San Antonio back to Dallas. We get in the plane to leave and as we're taking off, I heard God say, "This is your home." And I said, "Nope. I rebuke you." Yes. I was like, "No way." And I heard so clear as day, go and prepare away. And I was like, "Oh, I don't want to go." Cuz like I I I took that as go prepare away as you go. Don't worry about the rest. They're going to come. like the ones that were the closest to me, near and dear, my children, my family. But I was like, ah, I don't want to do that. So, I wrestled with it for quite a while. But then I just started to like, okay, I started praying and really the Lord changed my heart for an adventure. Like, I remember thinking, well, we can go. We can always come back if it doesn't work out. So, I got excited and I got on this adventure. So every year for 5 years, we would come to Texas and we would visit either San Antonio or Houston to try to see if this is where we were supposed to be. And we were just praying and asking God to direct us. On one of those flights coming home in 2019, we had left, flew into Sacramento. I got a call while we were in the airport from my mom and she said my cousin was arrested and her daughter who the family that was homeless, um her daughter was taken into foster care system. her brother and dad had gotten on a bus to go to Kansas and the mom took the daughter and then the police arrested her and that's why the daughter was still here and the son and the dad were in Kansas. I looked at my husband and he said, "What do we need to do?" M. And so the next day, um, we met with the foster care system and they told us we had 48 hours to be foster certified and then we could take her in until her mom, you know, can regain her rights. And police escorted our daughter to our door, dropped her at the doorstep.

Oh my goodness, God provides. And um she came into our house and she didn't know us, you know. Yeah. But she was five years old. So the thing is is that 5 years prior when the Lord put that on my heart, she was born. And I remember asking God like, why would you give me this desire and not give it to my husband? But he was working on my husband during those five years. And when our daughter came into our home, the foster care system asked us, "If her mom doesn't regain her rights, would you be willing to adopt her?" And my husband said yes. I didn't even say it. He said yes.

Later on that night, I was talking to him and I was like, "I really think they're going to regain their rights." And he said, "No, they're not. We're going to raise her." We had her in the fost through the foster care system from October 2019 and then co happened in 2020 and her mom saw her two visits and then kind of disappeared and her dad was in Kansas. Her dad would have phone conversations with her weekly and was trying his best and in June the foster care system decided they were going to fly her out to see him for 10 days unsupervised. It wrecked me because she had been in our home for eight months or so and we were protecting her. She was safe and I couldn't even imagine the environment we were about to put her on a plane to go into even for 10 days. So we were just praying, praying, praying, but we knew we had to just let her go. So she did. She went out there before she left. We had taught her how to swim. We taught her how to ride her bike. She was doing really well and she was very delayed in her development because she didn't her parents would use drugs during the night and then sleep during the day. And so she was left for to fend for herself. So she didn't have the skills that they would get as a 2, threeyear-old where you're watching cuz you're learning by watching. She didn't have those skills. So we had to kind of teach her everything. How to unlock a door, how to open a door, just things like that. How to open a open a bag of goldfish. Yes. Yes. Well, she went back for 10 days. when she came back, she didn't know how to swim. She didn't know how to ride a bike. Like everything had reversed. And I don't know what happened in those 10 days, but she was unsupervised. I was in contact with um her aunt that lived out there, and she was overseeing. So, I felt like she was safe. But in those 10 days, the courts had decided they were going to give her back to her dad. So in on July 10th, she was going to leave us and go be reunited with her dad in Kansas. On July 8th, they went out there and drug tested him and he passed. On July 9th, my husband went to his boss and asked if we could relocate to Texas and he worked remotely. He said yes. We had a plan to move to Texas. My daughter was going to live with her dad. So we we were no longer having to make decisions based on a foster child and we had planned to come out on on July 22nd. On July 10th, the courts did a surprise visit on her dad and did another drug test on him and he failed. And because he failed, she was no longer going to be going to Kansas. So we had to go before the courts and say, "We're looking to relocate. Can she go with us?" and they don't let children leave the state. And they said yes.

So on July 22nd, we flew out. We saw 30 homes in 3 days. The Lord did another miracle there. And on September 5th, we moved to Texas with our daughter. A year later, the adoption was finalized. Yay. And she was ours. Oh, that's so beautiful. Look at that. I just I I'm sorry. That just teared me up just thinking about like God being there. God being there for her. Yeah. Not putting her back in that environment. I know. I I see how intentional even timing like God wouldn't let us move. He We tried every year for 5 years. We kept asking and asking and asking and it wasn't go. It was no. Not yet. Not yet. I mean, we put all the fleces before the Lord. We knew we were supposed to go, but he didn't let us go because you need to be there for her cuz our daughter needed to go with us. Yeah. So, I have adoption stories on both ends. The beginning in the end. That's a god nod for sure. So, it was a beautiful, beautiful time in our life. There was a lot of just miraculous answered prayers, so much healing, and um above all else, throughout my life, the Lord was teaching me that he was trustworthy.

Even when I failed, even when I didn't measure up, he still loved me and he was trustworthy. In every answered prayer and unanswered prayer, he was trustworthy. Yeah. And all those hard times, he's refining you and getting you ready. Yeah. Getting me ready.

All right. So, you're in Texas. You have your fifth daughter. Yes. And um it was beautiful for my husband and my daughter. Not for me. I was struggling. I was really struggling because I had a good easy life in California. You like California? I loved California. I had an in-home daycare. I loved every one of my babies. I had a beautiful relationship with each one of our families. Financially, we were just getting to a place where we were able to travel and enjoy life. Our kids were older, so we could sneak away and just enjoy each other's company. I'm a summer baby. I love the summer. I love being out in a pool in the sun and now I'm like dealing with bugs and rainstorms. Every single day. The first year we moved here, it rained during the summer. I was crying. I was like, "Why did you mean?" Yeah, we have summers like that in Texas. Sometimes we have no rain and other times it's every day. Oh my gosh. And then I remember like we would pack up and be all ready to go to the pool. It was all beautiful and sunny, blue skies. We'd get to the pool and then all of a sudden these dark clouds rolled in and the thunder and they closed the pool. I was like, "Oh." So, that first year was such a a struggle, but my husband, oh, he was so happy. He had always desired to work remotely. He was always a commuter, an hour plus in traffic every day back and forth. And um and so he wanted his commute to be, you know, 12 steps from the bedroom to his office, you know, and so his his heart's desire was fulfilled. The other thing, he didn't really have friends. He didn't have guy friends. He didn't have fellowship. We served in a church for 10 years and then kind of got some church hurt. And so then we left and for seven years we pew sat. We went to a church where we just went on Sunday morning. Didn't meet anybody. I love that you call it pewat. Yeah. We did not serve. We did not That's a good word for that. Yeah. We we really needed that girl. Okay. We needed healing. And so that was a time of just being healed. Mhm. So we did not serve. We didn't invest in any relationships. And so then we moved here and we were ready. We were ready to serve. So we started attending our church and my husband and I just looked at each other and we just knew like this is where we were supposed to be. It was very different than the church that we used to attend and what we grew up in or what I grew up in. But it just felt like home. And so we got plugged in right away. I started serving in children's ministry. I got on staff as the preschool director and then my husband was part of F3 and he met some amazing men there. His name was Tea Party. Tea Party. I did not realize your husband was part of F3. For our listeners who don't know what F3 is, it is a free men's workout group. It stands for fitness fellowship and faith and it is giant in the in the Katie community. It's one of the biggest chapters in the nation. So I did not know that. My husband is also a member of F3 and his nickname is Thin Crust. Thin Crust. That's fabulous. Well, he's from Chicago and they wanted to name him Deep Dish. Oh. But somebody already had that nickname and because he's tall and thin, I guess he ended up being thin crust. I don't know. Right. As soon as my husband told them he had five daughters, they were like, "Ta Party." Oh, I love that tea party. So he was part of F3 and then he was meeting on Wednesday mornings with a Bible study group. Like he was so involved. One of the things he had always desired was to have a golfing buddy. He didn't have that. You know, he would do tournaments and stuff, but he played softball and he played flag football, but he never just had a really good group of men to golf with. And he always desired that. So, we moved here and he found his little best friend and they golfed every other Saturday. Oh, it was so beautiful. He was so happy and I just knew, okay, the Lord just was really blessing him. Yeah. From all your obedience and his obedience. He was being rewarded. Yay. And then um our daughter, she's biracial and so we in Roseville in Sacramento area is primarily Russian and but that's where she was raised. She was born and raised there. So I didn't really think that being biracial was an issue for her till we moved here. We moved into the Richmond area. And when we bought our house again, we we didn't know she was going we were going to be able to adopt her. She was still a foster child. So we weren't looking at school districts and neighborhoods. We weren't looking at all that with her intent, but God knew. And so he placed us in the most diverse area. And the school that she went to that first week she came home, she goes, "Mom, I played with a little girl that was my skin color." Oh. And I just knew, okay, my husband is where he needs to be. My daughter, this is where she needs to be. At the time, our 16-year-old moved with us. So, she moved. She was homeschooled all throughout since sixth grade. and she moved starting her she was in her sophomore year and so she was homeschooled but she desired to go to school. She wanted to do like a like a two-day co-op. So she toured the school and she started going. It was Mondays and Wednesdays and um she met her husband. She met this boy that happened to tour the exact same day she did. He was coming from a public school that just he knew it was time for a change. he needed to be in a safer environment and uh he desired to go there and she wanted to go there and they met and then the weekend that they graduated from high school he proposed to her a so goodness look at all the pieces come together oh my gosh so I was like okay so my husband you know get every desire was fulfilled our youngest daughter meeting friends just just the culture was just what she needed And then this daughter met her husband. I was like, "Lord, what? I'm feeling like I'm getting like the short end of the stick cuz I'm really struggling and I'm really being stretched." Being part of the preschool um at the church, one of my job requirements was I needed to meet with women oneon-one, once a week, complete strangers. I'm an introvert. I loved being home with my husband. I did not have girlfriends that I went and had coffee with and went out to dinner or worked out with. I didn't have any of that. I didn't desire it. I was so content. And here, this job was like, "Nope, you don't get to be in the back seat. You have to get pushed to the front and you're going to build relationships while you're at it." And I remember the first time I went to go meet a lady for coffee, I was literally clenching my my my teeth and like, "Lord, I can't believe you're making me do this. I don't want to do this." just like and I walked out of that conversation just so blessed and it made me excited. And so then I started doing that. I every week it was supposed to only be two ladies a month. I started meeting every week. So for a whole year I was building a skill on how to build relationships. And I didn't even realize what God was going to use it for. Okay. Come the future. At the beginning of 2023, I went out to lunch with a friend and I shared my story with her and I shared my story about Immani adopting her and she said, "You know, I'm an attorney. I want to draw up a living trust for you all so that God forbid if anything happens to you or Reuben that um Imani would go to her sisters instead of back into the foster care system." So, we have it written like a a will. We couldn't afford that. and she goes, "I I'm going to bless you with that." Oh. So, in February, we started this process. While I was on a walk, and during my times with the Lord, it's mainly on my walks. Like, I just am so in tune to hear him. And on my walk, I heard the Lord say, "There's going to be a shaking with Reuben, but remember, I am your provider." And I thought, "Oh crap, my husband's going to lose his job. He's going to lose his job. We just bought this house. We're going to lose our house again." And I was like, "Okay, whatever, God. I trust you." Like, I remember I verbally said, "It's okay. I trust you." So, we start this process with my friend and my husband and I had to talk about all things death. We had to talk about if something happens and and who's going to make the decision on if someone's going to pull the plug. Sure. We're in that process right now, my husband and I. I understand. Oh, man. So, from February to June, all this is happening. In between that, we had some beautiful spontaneous trips that we wouldn't have normally gone on. There was just these wonderful opportunities we just couldn't say no to. We had already had a family trip planned to Disneyland in January of 2023. And then spontaneously a friend asked, "Do you want to go on a cruise?" We had never gone on a cruise before. And it was like 2 weeks after we were getting back from Disneyland. And I was like, "Can we really do this?" And he's like, "Oh, we're going to do it." And this is my husband who's very conservative, doesn't like to spend money on anything. and he's like, "No, no, no. We're going to go do this." So, we went on our first cruise together. That was in February. And then our daughter, who had eloped in 2020, was having a ceremony in California. So, in March, we flew out to California and celebrated. My husband walked her down the aisle in her wedding dress. Um, she had a beautiful ceremony. She got to have her father-daughter dance. That was in March. And then in June, I had always desired to kind of melt some of my rings together and take all the diamonds that I've collected throughout the years and make one beautiful ring. And I asked him, "Would you be opposed to that?" And he's like, "No, you could do it." And I thought, "Oh my gosh, yay." So in June, I found a jeweler and I took my rings and they melted together and we designed it. My husband had found out in June that his company was going to require him to travel. He had never traveled before. He always just worked from home. I remember that day and my husband came down and he's like, "I just found out that I'm going to have to travel." And I broke down and like wept and he looked at me like, "Why are you crazy?" And I was like, "What other changes are going to happen? This is a new change. What other change?" And I remember this like panic feel and he's like, "Calm down. It's like once every 3 months I'll be traveling." Okay. And I was like, "Okay." And I just tried to calm down. Well, his first trip was out there in June. He went out, flew out to California. Well, he was able to meet with one of our daughters. He was able to have lunch with her and spend time with her. When he was flying home, I got the call that my ring was done. And I went and picked it up and I was just looking at it and I just wept because I thought I would I never thought I would be able to have something so beautiful and that my husband would be okay with me like spending the money to do it. And I called him and he was at the airport and I was just at first he thought she's not going to be happy. She's going to nitpick or something. And I was just like I've never seen something so beautiful. And he said I'm so glad you're happy. In July, I was let go from my position as preschool director and I was also at that point was no longer doing another position that I was doing. So, I had three part-time jobs. So, two of them ended abruptly and I thought, Lord, what are you doing? I thought that it was going to look this way and it's looking very different. What are you doing? Well, then my cousins called me in July and said, "Hey, would you guys like to go on a weekend trip to the lake? We're going to go stay at a friend's house. Would you go?" And we're like, "Yeah." So, we went on that trip. Then 3 weeks later, another friend said, "I have a beach house. Would you guys like to use it for your anniversary?" Free. July was free. August was free. On August 3rd was our 27th wedding anniversary. Mhm. We're like, "Yes, thank you so much." And so we went and stayed at this beach house and we just talked so much about everything. And I remember us sitting across from each other. And at that point, our daughter was engaged to get married. And they had never even kissed. They were really practicing purity. They desired it. And I couldn't fathom it. It's something I've always wanted. And I'm watching my daughter walk in and I looked at my husband across the table and I said, "If, god forbid, if something happened to me," again, we've talked about all things death this last year. The it was our living trust was completed in June of 2023. So this was August 3rd. And I asked him, "If I passed away, do you think you could remain pure?" He said, "I think that either my faith would stay just as it is or I would go backwards." And I thought, "Wow, that's so insightful." And I said, "I desire purity." That weekend, we went and visited a different church. And while we were in the service, the lady said, "Do you feel like you need a fresh fire from the Lord? If you do, raise your hand." My husband raised his hand. I think that comment of saying I think I would go backwards sparked something in him like I need to really evaluate my like my faith, my relationship with the Lord. So he raised his hand and I saw it out of the corner of my eye. Two weeks later I was on a walk and I was thanking the Lord for my life.

So grateful. And I knew I did nothing to earn it or deserve it. I actually did everything to destroy it. But God was so faithful

and I was thanking him for every good and perfect gift he had ever given me. And I told him, "I'm ready to be with you, Lord. I don't need to see my children get married. I don't need to see my grandchildren born. I can't imagine my life any better than it is right now. Like, I'm so blessed. Thank you. I'm ready to be with you. Take me. Take me as soon as you're ready. And instantly, the story of Job came to my mind and I knew the Lord was asking me, if he didn't have all this, would you still love me?

And I said out loud like I probably look like a crazy person walking down my neighborhood cuz I really do have verbal conversations with the Lord. And I said, "Yes, Lord. I know I would still love you, but please don't test me."

Two weeks later, my husband passed away

unexpectedly.

Healthy and whole 48-year-old man, no health problems. He took a nap and he woke up in cardiac arrest and within 10 minutes he was gone.

He had a blood clot that was in his leg and it went into his heart or went into his lungs and caused cardiac arrest. He passed away in the ambulance in front of our house.

I didn't know he had passed. They took him into the ambulance and I had to follow behind. And I all I could say was, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you, Lord. I trust you, Lord." I really really believed that because I was so hungry for the Lord and sought him my whole life. I really desired to honor him and love him, especially once I was 25, that I was not going to endure any kind of pain like that. I never thought death was going to be part of our story. I fought so hard for divorce to not be part of our story. I never imagined death was

moments um moments before he passed when he woke up from his nap and he was in cardiac arrest. I was currently at my sister's house that lived around the corner. My sister was in Florida with her husband on an anniversary trip and I was staying with her boys. My daughter Abby, who had just graduated from high school, was with her fianceé and our daughter Immani was at home with him and she had just gone to bed. I had actually come home around 7:30 and I had her go to bed. Reuben kind of felt like he was coming down with the flu. So, he was in his reclining chair just watching movies off and on and taking naps. And I actually had to go back on the Ring camera to see how many times I came home because, you know, guilt tries to creep in. And I was like, "Wow, I actually came home so many times." Like, I guess I kind of felt something. I didn't realize it. So that night at 7:30, I came home and I put her to bed and I said, "Um, you know, daddy's not feeling good, so you can read until 8 and then just go to sleep." and I said good night to him and then I left. Well, my daughter, I told her my husband, oh, there's so much here. Okay, let me back up a little bit. Our daughter was in college, Rya. She was in college in California. And when we left California, um my husband was heartbroken about leaving her behind. The other two were married. Um Rya was in college. She was still living at home. And we told her, "You could come with us. You don't have to stay." But she's like, "I don't want to move to Texas. I don't like Texas. I'm going to stay." And so she ran out of room from some friends. And when my husband said goodbye to her, it was shoulder shaking, sobbing. And my husband has cried three times in our whole history of marriage. He was so heartbroken about leaving her behind because he always wanted to take care of our kids until they got married. He wanted them home and he did not want to leave her. And so, uh, I really thought he was having an emotional breakdown cuz I had never seen him cry like that. Um, but he would say like, "How could it's so hard to know that this is the right thing, but it'd be so painful." And so he was very emotional. So he told her, "As soon as you want to come, I'll come and get you. Like you just let me know." So, it had been a couple years. That spring in April of 2023, she called us and said, "I really feel like I'm ready to come to Texas." She said, "I all my friends had moved away. Her and her boyfriend had broken up." And she goes, "I just feel isolated and alone. I think I'm going to put in a transfer from Starbucks and I'm going to finish out my last school year there." He was so excited. And he's like, "Absolutely. You just tell us when." So, August 1st, she put in her transfer. So, she was going to move on September 3rd. She was flying there. My husband was going to fly to California on August 28th and him and our other daughter, Bren, who was married, were going to road trip in Rya's car and bring all her stuff. So, on the 26th when he wasn't feeling well, I called my daughter Abby and I said, "Go get dad a COVID test because he's supposed to fly to California and let's just make sure it's not CO, that it's just the flu." So typically when she was out with her fiance and his family, she wouldn't get home till midnight. So I had left, I got there at 7:30, left around 8. She got home at 9:00. When she got home, that's when my husband was in cardiac arrest. She found him struggling to breathe. Oh. She got home and um he was drenched in sweat and he was really he couldn't open his eyes and he was really struggling. So she called me. So I got I mean my sister lived right on the corner. So I got there right away. So, I'm asking him, "What do you want me to do?" And he was able to like, he's like, "I need to go to the hospital." I'm like, "Well," he couldn't open his eyes, but I was like, "I I can't get you up. Like, we're upstairs. You got to help me." And as soon as he would sit up, it was like cut off his air supply. And he couldn't. And his eyes rolled back. So, my daughter called 911. So, I kneel down and I just laid my hands on him and started praying, praying that God would just open up his lungs. I thought it was CO. I thought he was just having a hard time breathing. So I just asked the Lord uh open up his lungs, breathe life into him, please God. And he said, "Yes, God. Please God, help me, God." And then the ambulance came. So they took him and wheeled him out. My I stayed upstairs and I was talking to the paramedics and my son-in-law went with him and was beside him and my husband said looked at him and said, "I don't think I'm going to make it." And so when they wheeled him into the ambulance, my daughter and son-in-law were going to my sister's house to be with the boys and they saw him they saw them doing chest compressions on him in the ambulance. So when we got to the hospital, we didn't know that he had already passed. But I just prayed, Lord, I couldn't I couldn't even pray healing. I just prayed, I trust you, Lord, like all the way to the hospital. We walk into the hospital and my sister and brother-in-law who pastor uh the fellowship were there and they took us in the back. The doctor came in and let us know that he didn't make it and that he was in the room next to us. We were in shock like this is not happening to us. This was 48. Oh my gosh, he was so young. He was so healthy. They took us into the room where he was and I laid on his chest and I thanked the Lord for him. He was such a gift to me and I thanked the Lord for the life that we shared

and I just stayed there as long as I could. And then we went home and I wrestled with the Lord. I was like, "How could you let me endure this?" I felt so betrayed by God, but I also loved God so much. Was such a wrestle. So that first night, I just wrestled like, "Lord, how could you abandon me? I felt so betrayed. I felt so forsaken. I had experienced a pain I had never imagined experiencing and I didn't sin. You know, all the other things that I had done throughout my life, the sorrow and the sadness, the suffering was caused because of the consequence of my sin. This was not that. I did nothing wrong. And I thought that if I did all the right things that I would be void of any kind of pain and suffering that wasn't connected to sin. I really did. And so for many nights I wrestled with the Lord on that. It was a tug-of-war because I loved God so much and he'd been so faithful to me. So, I I knew something wasn't right. Like, my thinking was wrong. I knew that like deep down I'm like, "What don't I understand?" And so, I remember 3:00 in the morning, I get up and there were so many people at my house. It was such a blessing. And I'm crawling over people just to get outside cuz I just had to be outside cuz I just didn't understand. And I looked up at the stars. And I remember just making that decision. Even though I don't understand your sovereignty, I don't understand your will. Cuz your will is very painful. If the stars are made to worship you, so will I.

And I sat there day after day after day and I had made a decision. I'm not moving until I understand God why this has happened to me.

At some point in those few days, the Lord made it very clear to me in a very loving and gentle way. Now we're going to deal with your purity. Oh. And I was like, couldn't you have done that while I still had my husband?

Couldn't have been any other way, God. You're God. You could have done it any other way.

But that had always been my heart's desire. And you said you'd trust him. And I trust him. And he would ask me many times after that, "Do you trust me?" Like, "Yes, but this hurts." I remember a few times I would just be in such anguish and so much pain, crying and telling, "Lord, God, this hurts so bad." And he showed me the cross and he said, "I know pain."

There was so many levels of grief that I went through. There were so many different painful things that I endured in that first year. But I could see where God was in it all. Like I asked him that first week like, "Where are you?" And he reminded me of that conversation when he said, "There's going to be a shaking in Reuben, but remember I am your provider." He reminded me of that conversation. Yeah. And then he showed me a vision of God as like an orchestra conductor. I only saw his back, but I saw him just moving everything into place, providing everything, knowing what I was about to walk through. and I saw tears coming down his eyes and he's like, "I'm there. I've always been here." So, my husband passed away on August 26, 2023. The next day, my kids flew out. My daughter that was intending on moving on the 3, she came. My best friend's husband flew to California that week and drove my daughter's car back. Another friend flew her cat. So my daughter from that moment on was living with me. So I was never alone. Abby and her fiance got married six weeks later and she was moving out. And um it would have been just me and I my at the time 8-year-old. I had never been alone. I had never been in a house alone. And so he moved my daughter in. And so she was that other adult in the house. I saw his hand of protection over me, even getting our finances in order. We were planning a wedding. My daughter was getting married. And every scent we had, we were paying towards this wedding. And I literally had $1,000 to my name the day my husband died. No savings. We lived paycheck to paycheck. No 401k, no retirement. Oh goodness. We had nothing except for a little life insurance policy that we started paying on when we were in our 20s. The other thing was the year before um my husband passed his company which was a little mom and pop familyowned got bought out by a big company and with that big company they gave each employee a life insurance policy. Oh. A year before my husband died. Wow. Goodness me. he really was orchestrating. And so when my husband passed, my family surrounded me. I relinquished my phone. I didn't want any. I didn't I didn't care. I was just God, take me. Like that's really my prayer. I was like, "Lord, please, I can't do this. I can't. I'm hurting so bad. I can't even f I'm not a depressed person. I'm a glass half full. I am just optimistic, very hopeful and I felt like I was in the middle of the deepest, darkest ocean and waves were crashing over me and I just wanted a glimpse of a little bit of light and I couldn't see it. Like I had never known what depression had felt like. I never knew what darkness felt like until that. And I was like, I can't live like this. Like I can't like I couldn't even imagine it getting any better. I was hurting so bad. And so that week, um, I didn't know, but my family and friends did a GoFundMe and they were people were donating all over. Like I don't even know who gave. But at the end of that week, we did a service for my husband because family had come in from out of town. So we decided, let's just get the service done right away and celebrate his life. So, exactly a week later, that Saturday, our friends and family pulled together the most beautiful service for my husband, which he could have cared less. He's like, "Just bury me in the backyard." He did not want me to spend any money on anything. No. But it was for us, and it was the most beautiful service. At the end of that, I got my phone back and saw that there was $24,000 in my bank account. Wow. Literally, God was taking care of it all. I remember the day of Reuben's service that morning. I was sit in the front yard and I had never desired to have a career. I wanted to be a wife and a mom and I loved being home. I was a stay-at-home mom. I worked just enough to not ask permission like maybe 20 hours a week if that. But my husband was the main provider. And I was telling the Lord like, "You never even gave me a desire for a career. How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to take care of myself and my child? like this child that you gave us like like he literally dropped her on her doorstep just two years prior like what in the world I was so I was so struggling and I heard the Lord say I was always your provider. Reuben was just a vessel but I had always been your provider and I will continue and that was before I even knew. And uh it did it carried me through until that life insurance came through. And the Lord has just provided in so many different ways I can't even comprehend. But he continued to show me you could trust me. And one of the things that he pointed out to me when I was wrestling with him was Lord, I prayed so specifically. I wanted to grow old with my husband. I wanted us to have my favorite movie at the time was The Notebook. And we had The Young Love. I was 16, he was 18. We had been together for almost 30 years. And I wanted to just go to sleep one night at our old age and wake up in heaven

together. Together. That's what I wanted our story to be. And it wasn't. So, um, in the weeks to come, I didn't know how to process through grief. I asked the Lord, "Show me what I'm supposed to do. I don't understand." The first, um, I couldn't open a Bible. I couldn't read. I was given a book by Lisa Turksters, Seeing Beautiful Again. And for a couple weeks, um, we did the whole study. My kids and I, every night, they would come in, they would read it to me. And so, we would read that. And then I felt drawn to Ruth and Naomi's story. It was a book study, but I couldn't open the book and I couldn't read it. So, I just watched whatever and I learned about just God's faithfulness. And then he took me through the book of Job and I sat in that for quite a few months. I listened to Job's wrestle and that there was nothing off limits that God couldn't handle. It taught me how to lament. And I sat for the longest time of when God talked to Job and he said, "Where were you when I hung the stars? Where were you when I put the play pin around the ocean and said it can only go this far?" The Lord reminded me that as I prayed and prayed and prayed that my husband and I would live a long and healthy life together and grow old together, at the end of every prayer I ever prayed, I said, "Your will, Lord, not mine. And he said, "You said my will." And I said, "But Lord, I didn't know your will was so painful." Mhm. Till it becomes reality. Mhm. So I could My prayer for that year was teach me how to grieve. Teach me how to process through because I didn't want to be where I was a year from now. I wanted to do all the things that everyone told me to do because I had worked so hard throughout my life to break free from the baggage of my childhood. And that that baggage wouldn't be passed on through generations. That I knew that this could be baggage if I didn't learn to let go of it. And I wanted to be happy again. I wanted to have joy. I wanted to have peace. So I was like, I'll do whatever. I'll sit still. I'll feel all the pain. Whatever you want me to do, God, I'll do it just so I'm not where I'm at today, next year. So I went to grief share. I went to therapy. But the most impactful time I ever had throughout that whole year was the solitude and the stillness I had with the Lord. I'd get up pretty pretty much every single day between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. and I would sit in my backyard no matter what the weather was. I sat in the backyard. I needed to be up before the sun was. And I sat in silence with the Lord and I asked him to teach me. Teach me what I do not know about your sovereignty. Teach me what I do not know about what it means to fear the Lord and to know that you are in and through all things. teach me where my theology was wrong. And I just wanted to be taught. I prayed for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. That's all I wanted. And the Lord had been faithful. There was so many beautiful nuggets that the Lord had given me throughout that time that he was preparing me. A couple weeks before my husband passed, he was listening to the song Gratitude by Brandon Lake. He does not he was not a fan of Brandon Lake. My husband was a little judgmental about appearance and he didn't like the way Brandon like looked because of his long hair. Yeah, I think. And um but he said my husband very private, very very conservative about his faith. We did not read the Bible together. We did not pray together as a couple. He was just very private. And so even there were times where I would be like, "Will you pray for me?" He'd be like, "You could pray for yourself." Like it was something else. But I mean, like I said, God really used him to build my faith because I was not dependent on my husband for that. I really had to seek it for myself. So, um, he was working in the office and he had music playing and the song Gratitude came on and my husband never shared personal intimate times that he would have with the Lord. He never shared those things, but this he did. It was only a couple weeks before he passed. And he said the song came on and he goes, "I had to stop working." And he goes, "I just sat there with my arms held high." And he goes, "And tears ran down my face because that that was his heart's cry. That song, all I have with my hands held high as a hallelujah. That's all I have." And my husband, no matter what church we went to, he dragged us to the front row. He was the first to stand and the last to sit. And the only outward expression of love for the Lord that he had was his hands held high like as high as they could go. I have a picture of it because that's where I saw his humility. Like he was so raw in worship. And so he gave me that. He gave me a little bit of that. And so every time I heard that song, I heard my husband's heart. So six months after he passed, I was again in my closet wrestling with the Lord. How do I process through this? How do I get through it? And the Lord reminded me of that song and what my husband said. And God said, "Gratitude. That's how you're going to get through this." Wow. That's a hard thing to have in the middle of that. Oh my goodness. I remember sitting in the backyard thinking, Patrick, you said you're good, but nothing feels good. And I heard the Lord say, "What doesn't feel good?" And I made this list. I rattled off the list. And then he said, "Okay, but what does feel good?" And I rattled off that list. And he said, "Now think on those things." And I was like, and that was at the beginning. And so then six months later when we revisited the conversation, he's like, "Gratitude, think on what is good and true and right." Yeah. Reminding you. Yeah. And so that's why every morning before my feet hit the ground, I say, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it."

I can tell you that when I hit trials and tribulations in my life, I'm going to come back and listen to this as a reminder that God is good. I might not be able to see it at the time, but I'm going to be able to see it. It's the hope being hopeful and remembering his promises. So, two years have passed. It'll be three in August. Three in August. And you said, Mhm. that God is now giving you the opportunity finally to revisit this purity thing that you've always wanted. So what does that look like? Okay. So what the Lord showed me in this process at the very beginning within weeks of losing my husband was that I loved myself more than I loved God. Oh and so at that moment I made a decision. I made a decision that I didn't know how, but my efforts were going to be towards loving God more than I loved myself. I made a decision that I was not going to gratify my flesh in any way. Kind of like a vow. I made a vow. That meant even sugar. Like at that point, I was like, I turned to food and comfort and sugar. Things that pleased me, that brought me pleasure, I wasn't going to do. I was only going to find pleasure in the Lord. Wow. So, you give up everything? I did at that moment. Yes. You're talking coffee, sugar, all of it. Don't put sugar in my coffee anyways. Okay. So, I still had my coffee, but I did not have any sweets. No sugar, no baked goods. Like, I could eat baked goods all day and not have a normal meal. Like, I just love my sweets. So, I had made that decision. I was not going to run to food with grief. You don't have an appetite anyways. That's how I am. Some people eat. I don't. Well, I do when I'm stressed and worried or have anxiety or of anything, I turn to food. Okay. But I had never experienced grief like this and it literally took my appetite away. So, I had that going for me. I'm not going to lie. Not a diet I recommend. So, I had just made a decision. I was going to do nothing to gratify my flesh. When I did, I can honestly say that those desires, the unnatural desires died. Oh, I had never once experienced it in my life. Like never once where I didn't have a physical urge. Those physical urges died. Like I didn't have it. But but also to be transparent, I had conditioned my body that the only way I could go to sleep at night was to have a release. There was just certain patterns and habits that I had to I had to relearn different things. Like I just didn't know how to go to sleep. You had to replace them with something different. Yes. And so I asked the Lord to teach me what purity meant because it's not just abstaining from sex. It's what do you think about? What do what do you allow? What are you watching? What conversations are you engaging in? When you get a thought, do you think twice on it or do you let it go and change? at night when I'm in bed alone. It's been almost 3 years. I haven't had a companion, I haven't been hugged, I haven't been loved on, I haven't been touched. When I have those longings, those desires, what do I do? So, I've had to be intentional of turning on my Bible app and having it read to me or um pray or I get up and I do an exercise. Like, I'll go on my little stair climber. I have this little stepper next to my bed. My heart's desire is to do nothing that gratifies my flesh. I fell more in love with him in this. I loved God. I loved Jesus. When I say that I had an encounter with God at five, I did. And my heart's desire my whole life was to honor him with my life. So that's been my heart's desire. I just didn't know how to do it. And so the Lord is just showing me this is how you do it. And he wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. I'm in my word every day. I'm listening to sermons every day. I'm not working right now. And so I have more than enough time to be intentional about being still. And so that's how I'm learning how to live a life of purity. I have to have a lot of safety nets around. I have to be very intentional. But it's not I'm not white knuckling it. I'm really not. Like I never imagined freedom like I feel. I couldn't even fathom it. But the Lord made something beautiful out of the ashes. Blessing from the tragedy. Yes. I wish I could have my husband here. But he was rewarded. Yeah. He gets to be with Jesus. He ran his race and he ran it well. And when I think about the fullness of his life, 19 to 48, it was all about loving me.

I'm I'm jealous of him. I'm jealous that he gets to be with Jesus. But that does bring me so much peace and comfort. Like he's rewarded. I just ask the Lord every day, okay, I'm still here. So let none of my pain be in vain and let it be all for your glory. And that's why I'm so willing to share it all. Oh, I love that. Circling back to my first question, your unwavering yes to share this testimony. Thank you. Thank you. I've learned a lot. So many amazing nuggets in there. Yeah. Well, we have some final questions for you, okay, that we always like to share at the end. Um, with our Christian sisters, we like to ask one additional question though. What's your favorite scripture and why? So, Psalms 23, which is a well-known scripture. That one, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. I have to put that on repeat for me because even though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For his rod and his staff, it comforts me. Like that's been my life. That's been my whole life. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul. That's been my life. Psalm 23 has literally been from 5 years old till 47. That's been my life. So, oh my gosh, you are such a blessing. I am so glad you're my friend. You're a blessing. You're so wise. I just Oh my gosh, this story. Seriously, this has just touched me so much. Okay, if our listeners wanted to reach out to you, can they and how? Oh, absolutely. They can email me, they can call me gladly. If I can be an encouragement to anyone, that is my heart's desire. I love how the Lord taught me in that year of meeting with women. He was teaching me a skill that I was going to need for when my husband was no longer here. And it was those women that surrounded me and those skills that have taught me now to how to come along other women. I didn't have other women when I was going through my journey. It was me and God. That was and so I don't even know what that was supposed to look like, but it excites me to know, wow, I've there's a lot in there. There's a lot in that story and there's a lot that we didn't even talk about with prodal children and sickness. And yet God has been so faithful. And and so if any part of my life can encourage and bless someone else and redirect them back to the hope in Jesus Christ, oh that's that's the fulfillment of my life. That brings me joy. Okay, I will be sure to drop all of that information in the show notes for our listeners. All right. How do you hope your mono myth will uplift others? I just hope that it encourages them to continue to have hope. I think I want to encourage others to really seek the Lord that he is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good. And um he has good in store. And I know that my hope and my joy comes only from him. So if anyone is struggling to know this God, this Jesus, that I just encourage them to seek him because oh, he's so faithful. Yeah. Keep working on that relationship. Mhm. Mhm. I almost forgot to tell you the story of my ring. So I shared with you that in June we had it remade and I picked it up. It was beautiful. When I looked at it, I noticed that I had a couple diamonds that were discolored and um but I thought h one day I'll replace them. This is beautiful. I didn't want to focus on the flaws. Just really focus on the This was the June right before he passed away. Yes. Okay. Yes. When he passed away a couple weeks after. So I had only had my ring for 2 months, like a little over two months. So my ring was in my bedroom. I was in the backyard and I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Go get your ring." So, I went and got my ring and I put it on and he told me, "Look at the imperfection of my diamonds." And he goes, "But look at what's around it. It's beautiful. This is a reminder that your life is imperfectly perfect and to to really remember the beauty that surrounds all the imperfections of my life." He said, "Put that ring on and don't take it off until I bring you the one that's going to put the new ring on." So, that this is my wedding ring. And um originally I had my diamond in the middle, but my daughter just got married in August and I gave her my diamond and now it's my husband's birthstone that's in the middle. So Oh, you had it replaced. I did. I put his birthstone in the middle. So I'm wearing this ring until I know that the Lord has someone for me for the next season of my life and I'm waiting until he brings him. But until then, I will keep this ring on. So you haven't taken it off at all? No. Okay. So when you're not wearing it, we'll know something has changed. Well, if I'm not wearing it, that's because there's something else on this. That's what I mean. We'll know there's something else in the works. I'll just put that on this finger. That's the story of my wedding ring. I I knew I had when I started to share about my wedding ring, I was I knew there was a point. I wanted to remember like this was why like God was so intentional even the timing of having my wedding ring made when it was it was all in that year. He was orchestrating everything so perfectly. All right. We always end with an attitude of gratitude. It's your opportunity to uplift anyone who has been an important part of your journey. A hero, a mentor, somebody who has helped you along the way or or multiple people. Yeah. When I thought back on this, you know, my parents' salvation was really the beginning of my salvation. I think that they have been the best examples to me of just humble, broken people seeking to love Jesus. And they fall short daily, but yet they still continue to run hard after him. And they've been the best examples to me of just what it means to love the Lord. And in that it's not perfection, it's not works, it's just a heart for the Lord. And then my husband, he loved me when I was unlovable. And he sought me to be worthy when I felt unworthy. And he just the fact that he was willing to forgive and truly forgive and let go and trust God with me. He was the best example to me of what it means to love unconditionally, to love God, and to love others. Well, thank you, Melissa. Thank you for your time, your vulnerability, your courage, and your unwavering yes to share something that was so painful. And I really thank you for your openness and honesty and the rawness of it. I think we all seek to be that honest and open. So, I really appreciate you setting that example for myself and our listeners. Well, thank you for having me. It was my pleasure and this was so wonderful. You make it so easy. Well, thank you. Thanks for joining us on the Monomyth Diaries. If this episode resonates with you or someone you know, we'd love for you to share it and spread the inspiration. Don't forget to follow us wherever you get your podcast or on YouTube to stay connected. We'd appreciate if you could take a moment and rate and review the podcast. It helps us reach more people with stories of transformation and growth. You can visit us at monommydaries.com or text us directly from the show notes to reach out and keep the conversations going. Until next time, heroes, let's journey together through our monomyths.